We sat in the lobby, or reception as it were, surrounded by mothers and children, with various disabilities, or special needs. The Doc’s door opened and shut at regular intervals. Whenever his eyes met ours, he would smile warmly, asking us to be patient- and how well we recognized that expression. We had been patient, and we knew we would require far more with what we were going to share with him. We loved this doc, and we trusted him. We needed to trust him more than ourselves. He’s been our boy’s messiah and friend, and confidant for the longest time. We had just moved to Gurgaon from Bangalore, and we carried news, earth-shattering news, and rushed to share it with him: our son was a girl- he had gender dysphoria! What’s that?
The boy has never had it easy, and therefore nor have we. At age 16 when your male child announces that he is ready to reassign himself to the female lot, you baulk. Why you might ask? Well, for one there had never been any signs thereof- how can one miss seeing the strangeness, which is part and parcel of gender dysphoria, right?
Then, apart from not reading the signs that should have jumped out at us- he was always a naughty, wicked little fella, up to tricks that are generally associated with ‘boys’; then he has had umpteen phases of this and that- and none lasted beyond a week, or a fortnight, at best.
That’s not all. He’s always had girlfriends! That should seal his boyhood, right? Not right.What was this noise all about? So our reaction was nothing short of expressions betraying shock and disbelief, and rejection, totally so. “Okay, so now this….honestly what next?” “Why this- when did you feel this way, and why now?” “Honestly, what else are you going to cook up?” “Enough is enough, try and finish your school education- that should be the focus, not another phase for heavens’ sakes!”We tried shutting it down before it began shaking the family terrain, yet again….but could we?
The boy had been diagnosed with ADHD at 4 and a half years, and hypo mania (borderline bipolar) at age 15. The episodes were so hard for us to handle, and so terrifying, that we had sought help, at 13, when there had been self-harm. Only in Bangalore did a psychiatrist tell us that it was clearly hypo mania and he could very well harm himself irretrievably. Medication was imperative. So that was that, and there were periods of calm, punctuated with periods of manageable unrest. However all through our boy’s life, there has been a kind of indefinable angst, a sentiment that nothing is enough- he has always wanted more than what we’ve considered his fair share. The sister has taken the brunt of most of his riling, his angst, his fears and his grief. None of us could fathom what it was that made him so, what it was that would make him happy; what was it he sought from this world, from us, his family. We plodded on, loving him, taking it in our stride, communicating verbally- seeking therapy of every type- including cranio-sacral, reiki, PLR (past life regression). None of it ever worked because the boy has always outsmarted it all. The only thing that did, partially, was medication, which belongs to the physical world, so once ingested it helped a wee bit. Even in that sphere, he has cheated and even overdosed- to what end? To feel, said he. The day he took all of his tabs, he talked non-stop for ten hours at a stretch, and a lot of it was not gibberish. He repeatedly asked us for our forgiveness for hurting us through his life- for being who he was etc. It broke our hearts to see him spout what he did. Was this the dysphoria that made him thus, I ask myself.
Someone asked me, “But nature doesn’t make mistakes, does it?”
Well, you only have to look around you and see how many trans there are, to know that the possibility, while not huge, exists. Being a parent to a trans woman- it’s got to become my strength, not my weakness. I love my child, very much, and were he to have been born a girl for starters, would I have not loved her all the same? So the point of the matter is that there lies a person within this lean frame- he’s a pretty boy, and a soulful, caring person- a bit lost, a bit unworldly and very talented. I love this person deeply. The boy will soon be the girl- and we will embrace her in her new form with gratitude and complete acceptance. It is we, the parents, who will help the world accept her beauty, with her multifarious capabilities, and so she will start afresh, reborn as it were.
As defined by google : the condition of feeling one’s emotional and psychological identity as male or female to be opposite to one’s biological sex.
Once he had said to me that he cut himself so that he could feel his body- because he felt nothing, at least hurting himself would yield some feel. But we knew better, we knew that he felt a lot- perhaps too much, but was unable to express what drove him, what exactly he felt. He would cry, then he would laugh. But mostly, his eyes wore an expression of another world- a world we couldn’t parry with, one we could definitely neither enter, nor attempt to understand.
Was all of it this, I ask myself, the dichotomy of his existence- who was he- or was she?
Today, we know our son’s a trans woman- we’ve accepted this fact. The Doc is by his side, as are we. He is on hrt (hormone replacement therapy). I have connected with many trans women, and tried to grasp what they have been through, and what they must continue to live. It is a hard journey in a country like ours, where trans are regarded as half and half- whereas they are wholly one gender or the other, trapped as it were, in the wrong body. I’ve been alerted to the existence of such folk, and the government, bless them, has provided for a third gender- it’s a beginning. Although I still wonder why a reassigned trans, who is then a woman or a man, as the case may be, cannot get the passport he/she merits after surgery?
People empathise with my situation. Friends understand that it can’t be easy, and it isn’t. As my boy undergoes both therapy and HRT, he has mood swings, dizzy spells at work, and nightmares that disallow a long spell of restful sleep. No, it is not easy. I birthed a boy- and I have now to contend with two daughters. Why is it that difficult? I’m not sure. Mostly I suffer with the boy child. I have learnt that the reassignment surgery is tricky as it is painful, and the recuperation thereafter, long, tedious and agonising. Talking to other trans’ helps, and they all say, despite the pain, they would not have it any other way. I didn’t ask for this, nor did the father. Yet, here we are. Time to celebrate perhaps- still the pain that the boy has had to undergo and suffer in silence…
I cried while reading this post which I landed on from Kanchana’s timeline. Not because of the title but because you are such an amazing mother. I don’t know you both, neither do I live in your city. I wish I could be friends with both of you. Not every parent does what you are, so allow me to say you are truly a great parent and your son, blessed to have you. I pray things get easy for all of you individually and as a family, and both your daughters have a love filled life. Big tight hugs to you both, I leave your blog with hope, strength and newer resolve to deal with life with more positivity.
Samarpita, it is wonderful and deeply moving to read your words. Thank you so much. Yes, we need to be more open and loving as parents- it is a difficult journey because often society dictates how we should feel, when and where…it is abysmal. However, if we spread the love and the awareness, small changes, small movements toward a more positive world for our kids. God bless. We are connected.
I am overwhelmed by what you have written Kamalini. It brought a lump to my throat. Your child is truly special and deserves all the love he (or she as he will turn out eventually to be) gets from you. It is heartening that the Government recognises a 3rd gender. I am proud to be associated with you on the Twilight’s Children Project.
Thank you Rakesh ji, it means a lot for me that you have read and felt what i say. It is imperative for transgenders to be accepted and loved just the way they are. I am grateful for all the support and love.
Such a heart-touching story! May God give the family the strength it needs to go through it all!
Thank you so much Ayan. Thanks for reading and sending your love
Speechless. I am so so so touched, proud n so with you on this ! More power to your child – may we learn through him n you what it is to be – just be -no labels just be . You go Girl ! ( for him soon to be her )
Manavi, thanks for reading this and feeling. Wish all of us would be able to naturally accept our children- but what a struggle it is, and how much we have to learn yet. A child is beyond all labels, yes. Thank you!
Acknowledge your family’s love and acceptance!! My daughter is a trans woman and a great human being. Our family’s journey has been similar. You spoke about nature making mistakes… It never does. Mistakes exist in the realm of human beings. Nature just ‘is’… It’s we who are not OK with it :). Do reach out if you need to. All the best!!
Well said Suresh. You’ve spelt it out for us, true that. Maybe being trans is a way of being. Nature is efficient- and perhaps karmically-speaking one has asked for this experience? That’s how i see it. Thank you for connecting. How is your daughter doing? Has she transitioned? I’d love to talk some more with you and her mother as well. DO connect. Thanks!
Sure. @gummaraju
Kamalini can see how difficult a journey it has been for you and your family. So proud of you the way you have handled it. Pray that it’s easier for you all henceforth and that life is kinder to you and to Anya.
Thank you so much Shalini, life will be, when there’s love and acceptance.
I loved the last part the most – where you define your love for your child irrespective of the gender – that is the parental love and am so happy that you guys have understood that in all these periods of excessive trial in understanding your child.
Bravo! May there be more understanding parents around <3
Yesterday, I was sad – A 10th std girl committed suicide. Reason – her parents wanted her to score 80% and she scored only 75%. That shook me up. Seriously…what kind of parents are they?
But you give me faith that all is not lost with the parent community…big hugs!
Uma, do i know you? Parental love- o there are many sorts in this world. I only have my kids to love, and that’s a whole world within their world which i perhaps do not understand. With Aanya, it has always been so special, but ya, we’ve never not loved her. When it was put to test- we realized that we had no choice but to continue to LOVE her…that’s when you really know. The incident that you mention is not new, not unheard of alas. Parents mostly feel that their offspring are a mere extension of them- it is a very, very sad fact.
Do I know you before? Maybe I don’t remember…maybe we knew each other…maybe there was a connection of which am so sure!
Absolutely…love for our children – thats when we are our best!
Big hugs to you!
I actually came to ur blog through my friend who had shared your post on fb.
Hats off to you! Your girl will change the world for better.
Went through so many emotions reading this heart-felt sharing. I know this is not going to be easy but I am astounded and moved by the way you are taking it. The world needs more parents like you.
We love you, K, we love your children. We love A. Unconditionally.
It’s not nature that needs to be questioned, it’s culture. Human created ‘rules’, ‘rituals’ ‘do’s/ don’ts’ & other such nonsense. And we don’t need to be bothered by all/ any such humans.
That’s a lot of love Piyul, and that’s a lot of wisdom with it. I thank you for speaking thus- it warms my heart, and my faith in mankind is repeatedly reinstated by the likes of you. Love you too my sweet girl <3
You deserve so much respect as a parent for accepting your child. People like you are most needed in today’s world and can be amusing to see many who won’t understand things to pass judgment. When I see humans like you, convinced I am that, after all, this world is not a bad place to live. Something shared this blog link on FB and today stumbled here. Cheerz and keep the faith in spreading the love.
Honestly Vishal, it has been a process- this coming to terms with our child’s gender dysphoria- it did not happen overnight. There has been heartache, and there has been disharmony etc. It has been a rocky road, but there has never been a paucity of love. We’ve tried to understand if this is what it is, and came to the conclusion that yes, our child is indeed transgender. There is nothing brave about it, unless you say loving a transgender offspring is akin to being brave. What choice does a parent’s heart have- it doesn’t choose, it knows abundance, and it knows protection, and it knows that the heart is never wrong. Thank you for your kind words Vishal. Hope all well in your world too.
Thanks for replying and taking the time to explain things. I understand that it has not been easy initially and we are all humans…love how you put it on abundance and never a paucity of love. I did write brave in the sense of the prejudice harbored by people which the loved ones of transgenders have to face. Thanks a lot and am doing well, though life is a constant battle! Have a good day.
Hope you’re continuing to do well Vishal. Good luck!