Ever wonder how to kill a cactus – no?

Who would want to, in their right mind, take a life? So what does the cryptic title of this essay really mean?

First of all, what are the essential characteristics of a cactus?

A cactus has a lot of commonalities with normal, leafy plants; it possesses chlorophyll and makes sugar by combining carbon dioxide and water through photosynthesis. It produces true flowers, reproduces sexually through seeds and has water-absorbing roots. Yet it is a succulent, which means it is meant to survive drought and lives on very little water.

So a cactus is different from other plants in as much as it sits proudly, like a starched shirt, showing off its discipline. “Look at me and learn self control. I don’t even need water”. Far more effective than a nagging wife, my husband would have me believe. It hurt. I was besieged by its power over my mind.

So to kill a cactus takes both guts and strong will power, both of which I recently discovered I have, perhaps not in abundance, but enough to do the job.

So my Cactus was ‘an overwhelming need’ to be on a perpetual diet; the diehard, uncompromising wish to regulate (and it’s a list, no less):

• Fiber (enough, not enough)
• Hormonal imbalance (oh yeah!)
• Protein intake (enough? Not enough)
• Milk products
• Fat
• Carbs (can’t live without)
• Calories (burn)

And there’s plenty more I’m certain that other Cactus-owners will update this list with.

This infamous Lockdown made me KILL this Cactus. I managed to destroy and bury this overwhelming desire to regulate everything concerning my palate. I did it! And it freed me at so many levels.

I cooked and I ate, as I always do, at regular intervals and with great gusto. I did not focus on quantity – but quality always. The difference lies in the fact that I stopped measuring, and removed myself from the equation of ‘hand to mouth.’ The over-zealous need to wonder after every meal if I had eaten too much of anything, was made to disappear, willfully.

I lived fully, and I put on my ‘plate’ all that I could digest with ease and joy. I did not overeat, and I did not over-react, as is my wont. It has been refreshing and uplifting.

I can’t remember ever not overthinking a meal- so I needed a break- even a complete watershed, so to speak.

I wanted to live with mental lethargy in the context of nutrition. In the realm of the physical, active I was- very much so. I hung my frame out of my balcony, staring at the skies; for hours on end would I mull over a chapter; wash down many teas and coffees, which got me all wound up to get going, but eventually I did not anywhere, as there was nowhere to go.

I walked up and down the apartment on some days, and it felt great, if not a bit mechanical.

Alexa did all the work, on command, and was a constant companion.

I gathered my forces for self-betterment and acquired a meditative stance, even as I enjoyed every meal and tucked in. Carbs and fats, welcome home; calories- what’s that!?

Examples of letting go:

1. A plate of fries, or a bag of chips- I did not obsess over burning these up, and then skip a meal later. That has been my life.
2. Love pasta, but avoid making it often, because it’s carb-heavy and can be rich.

I made pasta and ate it for dinner (something I’d never do) and then hung around watching Netflix. It felt sinfully wonderful. I put my feet up, rather than rush down for a bracing walk- which is so not me.

I stopped obsessing – period.

I realized, over the last three months, that a balance is necessary. That one must watch over one’s life and one’s food, absolutely, but with joy.

I don’t regret killing the Cactus, which was very thorny and pushy and in control.

But I know it is not the answer. Did I put on weight thanks to my newfound freedom? Yes, but only so much- not something I can’t handle and lose in the now.

I’m not a young woman- my metabolic rate has slowed down to a miserable amble, my limbs tire far more easily after an hour at the gym, but I sleep like a baby afterward. My back hurts after 8 tummy-tucks, and where I was capable of 20 laps in a swimming pool, I’m done after 12. And the swimming pool is a lot smaller too! So yes, I’m older and my body unflatteringly takes it upon itself to remind me every other day.

So I decided to get myself a new Cactus- a colorful one adorned with less thorns. One dead Cactus is enough for a lifetime, lesson learnt, freedom tasted, I can return to my life of balance and control, however, with a caveat- no more obsessions over calories- BUT allow the new good-looker Cactus to prick me every once in a while- remind me that some thorns are actually good for life, to retain balance so when flowers bloom, their fragrance is that much sweeter.

©kamalininatesanjune2020